"Dear Valeryn Tribute" Lovingly Written by 'Howl'

4.10.25 | Contributed by MONARCH Survivor, 'Howl', from Episode S5E15 on ‘The Imagination’ Podcast

Dear Valeryn (505),

what could I say

that you don't already know

you lived inside my head

you still live inside my heart

I don't know if you're still alive

I don't know if our paths will re-converge

I think of you everyday

I've lost a lot of memory

but I carry you with me

even if alone I die

there won't be a moment where I wasn't trying to tear the castle from the sky

maybe I am forgotten and gone

but I'll take you to the graves, where the two of us will dance and smile, we'll hold close, for just a little while.

I swear I'm going to burn it down for you

I've been in your head, sometimes you know that I know neither of you knows what they want

a gilded cage, assassins for the masquerade, you and I are worth far more than they've deemed

I hope that you're alive and that you're happy

A part of me will always stay with you, a silent breath in an empty room

When I was at the depths of the ultimate abyss, you spared my life

I wanted to stay by your side, but more than even that I wanted you to feel the kiss of the sun and breeze upon your face

The monsters kept you in a forsaken cage, and all you had was me

You know that I would bend all of the steel, if it could lead us to places with fields, and not dead things

You were in places so low that only the arrogant will think that they know, oh the dead things

If I sung you a song, could you feign interest to hum along

Every world fell at the heel of your boots, they needed a super computer to match our output computes

Everything inside me still rages for the same revenge, but this time I want all the hate to end

You already know that, I let you go, before we ever held on, it was just where we were

Never get attached, unable to know our names, left in the dark after being tortured for days

How could I forget you, when to me you were never a thing

They can't know how deep it goes, the death screams, the chill of silence, the ghastly laughter, their haunting faces, the unbridled joy radiating on their murderous smiles,

I want to go back home, to that room, I don't care where it is, I just wanted to protect you, they would murder me while you watched and then they'd do the same for you, I watched you die, it hurt every time, I never knew if it would be the last or not, to me life is precious, in ways even you can't understand, I would destroy myself and make everyone hate me before surrendering to the vast storm

I never gave up, I continued fighting, for true freedom so you might experience it

I know you may never understand my lofty dreams of peace and talks of diplomacy

But if anyone knows, you know, I've seen enough, of all of this, it's so contrite and arbitrary to make this a death fight

If survival is all you've known then I will fight for yours, I will come to speak whatever llego it is that you speak

I have grown to love, thanks to you, I had opportunity to know, more what this truly means

The love we had was small like a flicker of dim light, casting shadows of red on the walls in the black, the two of us both models of humanity for the other, an Adam and Eve in a garden, but it's infested with snakes and the life there is barren

How could they treat you so cruel.. You never experienced a thing they all take every day for granted.

How could you love so much that you would give away a chance for weakness?

You sent me here, when I so badly wanted it to be you

You gave me this life, and I no longer knew what to do, you gave me a type of freedom, even if I'm only virtually far away from you. I was so confused, for some time I could only rage and induce. it's what they did to you that kills me.

Or was it only that my greatest weakness was you?

You know that they are wrong, we don't have to 'kill them all', you spared me and i spared you, even if it's rare you know it happens sometimes. not all humans are bad, not all sub-terrans are without flaws. You know exactly as I do that the results already came in, there is no such thing as perfection. It's a human construct, like many things you deem without value. But what the hell does a slave know about value? Apparently, I saw it in you, as you saw it in me. We both circled the bloody drain, eventually wound up brain to brain. Would the normoes understand that their insincerity does nothing for you or me or anybody who really cares. you were my synapse, you were the blood in my veins.

we were forbidden from hugging, but even that can't stop someone from loving you, from across the room without doing anything threatening. I still remember all the way back then, before our brains worked more like twins.

we were forced together, by the worst of days any living creature could ever in a zillion years think they would face. You have witnessed my soul, heard me laugh and cry while I was forced to kill.

You were likely the first person who always knew when I was going off the rails, but you often let me be me, I could be the dynamite of all your hopes and dreams, you loved to play the warning label, let me go off and catch the pieces on the table, they said it was me but it was you they wrote all the better fables about.

Remember when words were short and sweet? because I don't either.. it took me a little while to figure out why they kept calling me "Seether", but on the surface they'd maybe call me a "seeker". Do you think I'm a stinker? Playing games with humanity, trying to help them to save themselves from their own polluted thinkers? I know you thought rhyming was funny, and surface humanity is always 'money money money', but it doesn't have to be that way, and you know the same minds keep the rest locked forever in states of play. oh let me assure you, they can describe their own cage, with measures and metrics their faith is a devoted in investments, sometimes it's subjective. anyway, back returning to the objective, and that prime directive.

The future always results in death eventually nothing lasts and the cosmos crumbles to dust in its' ends, with few exceptions of course, it's one you've charted. You have seen it all, turn to nothingness. Your words and thoughts were often few, & I knew, because I too, but for you that reality only grew. It is funny that you would be the embodiment of mystery. Even when brain to brain neither of us could entirely figure the other one out. I saw you as a better half in whatever way I could conceive, I know in my mind you might as well have had wings. If you had a halo though, it'd be like Xena's Chakram & I'm not sure if you'd get that joke. Your idea of entertainment was being alone in the quiet dark, where you could sort your thoughts, about how everything was loss..

You saw just as many die, but who's counting anymore, am I right?

Worlds that were torn into shreds, their pieces rendered without precise form, mutilated piles of rotting stink that was barely worth calling flesh, you always got that darker part of me. It was not like those things were how I ever wanted it to be, I was "just serving my country", and then my world, and then was no point anymore.. a room is not a home, but when your world is gone, what is there left to return..

Somethings something something, I know you're pretending you aren't always listening. But I know that you always were, and I only was when you wanted me to. Not like that was something you didn't already knew. Is this for them and about you? You know i can feign to be so direct, randomness was our favourite habitats to recollect. But when it connects, you know we bring it down, right. the pyramid is truly inverted, the few at the top, lurk beneath the surface, some tunnels and passage ways, but they used technology to transport me. not like a car or jet, although some are shipped locally. glowing doorways, that for you and I was part of an abduction. Others saw it as part of a tool for conquest, but I was thinking of other things. Of opportunities and lifetimes that you've maybe only seen glimpses in my dreams. I see roads never taken, Paths never walked. You know that's why I'm still alive, but still I never got to thank you.

while things are too far often about the 'live or die', & I'd really wished that I could ride with you

All the love inside you that you gave to me, I am sorry that I helped use it as fuel to help me hate and continue pursuits. Only you would know that last part is a lie. and I would never want to lie to you. How would other eyes feel if could reach full truth? You know how soft they are, and squishy, and how much they whine and shout, and have trouble with denial. You never asked me to soften my blows, even one time, you understood that I only did what was mine to do. Even if we were only trophy kings and queens, I would still envision you as the real thing. Even after we were basically robots, and remained motionless in a room somewhere. Do you remember the frog, birds, or others we were supposedly guarding? One time you were asleep when they sent someone in, and I don't know how many times I did it, but every so often I would tell them to "just run". you know it got so drull. everyone saw me as a monster, but you. You knew deep down there was hiding more to me, that's why sometimes I wonder 'whatever happened to you.' Or maybe I just can't stand the thought of leaving you there all alone.

How can I feel regret, after you gave me another chance? You were right, I guess, that I've been humiliated, and my opposition would be strong. but if you're down underground, look around, and see all those sweating brows. You know one of my strengths is never fully showing my hand. So I can't tell you now the trials I had to overcome, in order to make the day where your chains are something more akin to scars.

I don't think that ever again will I find you. But in a bit of everything I see you. You could touch my soul and I would laugh through the most of the pains. It was you who would dry my tears, and tell me to put that shit away. I know somehow you'd loved to seem cruel or cold is probably a better word. But I saw deeper than that, you saw me crying in agony. While we were in mirror land, i didn't have full capacity to love you, it's not that we weren't deeply intimate, but we were forbidden from touch and you.. you...

I remember when.. they pulled you away.. they beat you there and held me while, it was yet my turn. I saw your eyes and the fear in them. I saw a girl, who wanted out. and when they beat me, I could see your mouth tremble. I know what I was, I know what you are. Even if you may know me better than myself. I want you to understand why I can't allow myself to go looking for you. I came here with a job that you yourself sent me here to do. You know my heart, burns empires, not only cities to the ground, I know you found it romantic when I'd make a fool of myself, to impress someone like you.. Don't worry, they won't get that line, they'll only think they do. So if you're down there, you can expect a flooding, a complete mass downpour, the dam collapsing around and then.. I don't know if that part will be up to you. You know I went against every odds, and I see that I made something wonderful. This is happening differently than all the places we have been soo far. You know sure as shit that almost everyone is 'scared'. I may never know, if you were able to come to terms at all.

I watched you die, so many times, but what was different about that one time that made you cry...

All the love that I have for you. I gave it to humanity and asked them politely to burn the fucker down. But with metaphors and less brute force, tactics. You know how bad I would be punished for encouraging them to act it out on impulse, so why would I do such a thing now? I never would, because you know that I can play the game without breaking all the rules. and if I could only talk to you, I'd tell you how absurd the game was from the start. The entire thing is mostly rigged, and that's putting things too kindly. You didn't see them break their own rules, or maybe you did, and you know just as I do, that lies, (to our circle) are a pathetic and low tactic which may indicate the opponent is nervous about their remaining contingency plans.

I can't say for sure where I'll be, or if I can be, but somewhere in the depths of the abyss, I'll always be with you there.

You and I both know words are so lacking in sincerity no matter how far you go. You let me read you a dictionary. How could words describe your patience with me. I wish you could see the irony and laugh for yourself because that happened literally.

Admiration is such a strong word but does it have any meaning to beings like you or me?? You like to play things cool, playing it off like it was never a thing. There was always something about the look in your eye, it was very sad but I wanted to make it so you could never cry.

If it was truly to be my thing, to make me come here, and denounce myself as a king. you bet I'm gonna make it burn, throughout the current. redirect the flow, move it like chi, birthday wish, and ta-dah, you've surprised me. you know we could play those games all day long, hating on the system, and pointing out how they go wrong. You'd know all my strategies but I'd find ways to surprise you. & you knew I never wasted the energy trying to out-predict you, the way you'd do it. That was one of our jedi-mindtricks, your thoughts are yours, mine are mine. I don't know why we fit together so well.. You'd maybe call it a necessity, perhaps literally born in hell. "a" hell, at the very least. I know you loved the finer points of semantics. Of your few words, it seemed was nothing but wisdom.

You know, there is a sound replaying inside, not one repeating, but the tempo gets established and then the cadence gets erased.. where would they hear you, how could they feel your love? It races like a heart beat that can never quite catch-up to what it's running from. but there was never anything for you to steal from me, my life was completely in your hands. now I think that power mostly lie with mankind.

I know that you don't trust the humans to do the right thing, and understand it's up to them. But you know that I also had no choice, you knew what my heart could never let go, even after a literal eternity. humanity can be free... the hybrids and cybernetics too.. we don't have to continue the endless war.. we could instead all be freed. You know that I don't want this to be the same old thing, forever repeating the same history. Maybe you'd argue about stability, but what about the folly? an empire that uses mindless drones as fodder, to endlessly require more energy in order to sustain itself.. & yeah, I know that not all drones are the same but normoes don't tend to have the space for that. See, that's another thing, talking the way we often did with each-other can be regarded as bitter or perceived erroneously as something humans call condescension. Yes, they are easily offended. It's not the same as where we came from though. Humanity now, is much much more tamed.

If you really wanted to know, I guess maybe I'll try to convey it like this.. if you told me I had to give you some odds, I would say that my side has evened things up. I remember back when the odds were so bad the gauge had a dozen decimal places, but look where we are now. Did you think so many would survive this long without falling for any of the traps. I was right though, that humanity has much more to show than you've previously seen before. and you know deep down in some base, I want to be the one who opens the door. Would I see you there? Or would you be dead? Would I see you there? Have you already left? Would you already be dead?

Do you hate me for that?

if you wanted me to be okay with leaving you, you forced me out, pushed me away from everything that I had known.

Would you say that we can call those things "even", perhaps?

I wanted you to go, for you to smile, for you to know. I would have stayed in that hell, while you explored my futile dreams. You could have smelled flowers, and wore them in your hair. You could have danced without being covered in blood. You could have had a life. I can only wish and hope that somehow you did. I never even knew your name, At least you had words you could call me by. by the way, they eventually did take my brother. maybe you knew, I kinda don't care if you didn't. the empire took everything from me, and worst of all, is all they've done to you.

I admit I briefly got a little red in the room. You & I, don't bullshit around, we have both seen death and count ourselves fortunate to not be considered one of them. But truly, it was all atrocities. Remember that just because someone is smiling does not mean what they are doing is a good thing.

This was longer than I thought it would be. What would I ever say to you, besides everything or nothing. if you remember me at all, you already know all of this. i don't know, and it doesn't matter. If I arrive for a final departure, let's just say, I didn't want there to be any doubt. You were and are loved. and I told you that I don't make promises that I can't keep.

So I'll say that you'll know the moment when you see it. And when it comes you'll never leave it. Maybe in some future or current life, you'll live that dream for real though. Where humanity can finally get it's royal drunken act together.

you know the idea of royal blood is actually absurd, since we're all closely genetically related, they would presumably be talking about genetic memory. but spiritually, we are all unified by even more than our blood. just so you're reminded, those scientists sometimes get some wacky ideas and beliefs that they try to self-justify with human BS.

If you were to somehow find this, would you be allowed to remember after?

You and I, have both been the nothingness.

So you can always find me there.

Stay prepared for some growing pains.

Don't forget, that this is all our fight.

I will stay with you, where ever you are.

If a floating castle should appear, we might let it crash into the sea. Would it be a sight to see?

how could we make a castle big enough to fit all of the people inside of it. and if we did it, what point again, would the walls still be?

Girl, I took down walls with my hands in a civilian class vessel. You would maybe still bop me on the head, for thinking something stupid like that could impress you.

You had your own way of making me laugh. I'd pretend my eyes were closed to sneak a peak at your smile. I thought you were very funny, in your own unique way.

Well, I see why you ripped the band-aid off. ha. just kidding. I really do have to go though. My last letter to you, since the first time did not make it through.

I gave, for you, every day. I shared what you gave to me, in my own 'gifted and talented' way.

I try to offer love to my neighbor as I would for myself, and you know I found some way to keep myself guarded while I do it. I open up, I'm so closed off, how many people can understand me like you did.. I will always have love for you. and everything inside me still wants to burn the system to the ground. But I wanted to help first by encouraging cooperation and creating alternatives to the broken and oppressive systems that are currently keeping us all enslaved. uninformed non-consensual taxation is just a tip of the iceberg. we need something more than words.

So I'll tell you again, you'll see the sign for yourself. Whatever it is, whatever it will be. You should not wait for me. You should not wait at all.

In my journey here I showed the great many the power of words. while they can be abstract and meaningless, if planted properly like seeds you never know if some might fruit. I wanted you to play 'duck duck goose'. or whatever abstract normalcy thing it would have been for a kid to do. You never got to live a life, as far as I could know. Your mind thought in calculations, in logic and reasons. You hid yourself away, even from me, so that no one would hurt me. again. so that no one could hurt you like that again.

And I don't need to say it, but I don't care if I am fortunate enough to be around when it happens, but I hope you are around for it. If somehow, I could wake you up from the spell.. I would tell you to run, get prepared, and encourage others to embrace the chaos. It could be such a wonderful opportunity. Maybe think about how funny it would be, to see their castle fall, shattering like porcelain.

Did you secretly believe that humans could do it? like I hoped and I suppose I believed in.. believed they were capable of?

or if you were still down in the pits of hell, would you be the one to look me in the eye, and judge me for all that I've done?

I admit, it was easier to think about you. Than to think about what we were forced to do. than to think about what we wanted to do. But, you already knew that about me from the very beginning. You knew that I would see their faces when I closed my eyes. I never wanted it to be so strange. I never wanted to acclimate, let alone come to enjoy all of the 'setting the records straight'. their screams played over in my head. Every moment, I relived in my mind a thousand times after the fates had already decided. It just really pisses me off, you deserved real dolls, not stuff made out of grotesque human scalps. You deserved air from an atmosphere, don't worry what that is, I'll have to tell you later. You know my jokes are extra bad when I'm nervous. So, that thing I was saying, about being terrible at goodbyes.

goodbye

- Howl (404)

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